It Begins...

They say every one gets nervous before big changes in their lives.
Such as 'cold feet' before getting married.

I got my hormones yesterday, although my GP wouldn't give me one of the anti androgens i need as the side effects 'worried' him. This particular drug is the most commonly used anti androgen for people like me and helps to speed up the feminization process, so i guess I'll just have to use my powers of persuasion next time i see him :)

Although I'm excited to start seeing changes, a part of me can't help but feel worried, maybe even scared. I guess it's only to be expected but i couldn't help but feel dismally low as i thought of all the things i might be losing.
I know my family and friends understand (it was hardly shock to them) but as i lay in bed after starting my life changing drugs, i couldn't help but feel suddenly scared.

All my life Ive gone from one relationship to another. When you meet someone new, it's exciting and fresh and the new object of your affection becomes almost all you think about. I used this feeling as a distraction. Short, passionate and sometimes volatile relationships in order to stop my brain for thinking about the fact i was trapped in the wrong body and treated in the wrong way by society. The only problem was this never lasted long... When i met my current partner (now 2 years together) i tried to push him away. He was sweet, caring and loving. Eventually, even though i didn't really see anything much coming of the relationship i figured id give it a go. He turned out to be one of the most amazing, selfless people i could ever meet.
I haven't been the best boyfriend to him, far from it, but it was only last night that i truly realised how special he is to me.

They say you don't realise what you have until its gone. I believe this is true. Obviously he knows about my condition and what I'm going to be facing in the near future. He is obviously a gay man, and although he loves me for the person i am and not the way i look, even though he would give me the world if he could, physical attraction is still important in a relationship. With him not being attracted to women, all i could think about was how I'm going to lose him.

I know he will always be in my life, and that in time we will be the best of friends. I'd die for this boy in a heartbeat. Things, however, will undoubtedly change.

I'm also afraid that my expectations are too high and may not be met... Ive always been jealous of those special moment girls have. Like going to prom and being told how beautiful you look. I may never get those moments. I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing and i couldn't possibly stay unhappy for the res of my life, no matter how much i want to make my boyfriend happy.

So i will continue on my journey, trying to make the time i have left with my partner as memorable and as special as possible, for his sake. I have to do this. Not for the material reasons as some people seem to think. It's not just a case of wanting to wear dresses and nice shoes and carry a handbag. I have to find my place in society, the same as every one else, and i know i will find my place among the girls.

Wish me luck. My new life is on the horizon. Take Care, Lara x