They say every one gets nervous before big changes in their lives.
Such as 'cold feet' before getting married.
I got my hormones yesterday, although my GP wouldn't give me one of the anti androgens i need as the side effects 'worried' him. This particular drug is the most commonly used anti androgen for people like me and helps to speed up the feminization process, so i guess I'll just have to use my powers of persuasion next time i see him :)
Although I'm excited to start seeing changes, a part of me can't help but feel worried, maybe even scared. I guess it's only to be expected but i couldn't help but feel dismally low as i thought of all the things i might be losing.
I know my family and friends understand (it was hardly shock to them) but as i lay in bed after starting my life changing drugs, i couldn't help but feel suddenly scared.
All my life Ive gone from one relationship to another. When you meet someone new, it's exciting and fresh and the new object of your affection becomes almost all you think about. I used this feeling as a distraction. Short, passionate and sometimes volatile relationships in order to stop my brain for thinking about the fact i was trapped in the wrong body and treated in the wrong way by society. The only problem was this never lasted long... When i met my current partner (now 2 years together) i tried to push him away. He was sweet, caring and loving. Eventually, even though i didn't really see anything much coming of the relationship i figured id give it a go. He turned out to be one of the most amazing, selfless people i could ever meet.
I haven't been the best boyfriend to him, far from it, but it was only last night that i truly realised how special he is to me.
They say you don't realise what you have until its gone. I believe this is true. Obviously he knows about my condition and what I'm going to be facing in the near future. He is obviously a gay man, and although he loves me for the person i am and not the way i look, even though he would give me the world if he could, physical attraction is still important in a relationship. With him not being attracted to women, all i could think about was how I'm going to lose him.
I know he will always be in my life, and that in time we will be the best of friends. I'd die for this boy in a heartbeat. Things, however, will undoubtedly change.
I'm also afraid that my expectations are too high and may not be met... Ive always been jealous of those special moment girls have. Like going to prom and being told how beautiful you look. I may never get those moments. I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing and i couldn't possibly stay unhappy for the res of my life, no matter how much i want to make my boyfriend happy.
So i will continue on my journey, trying to make the time i have left with my partner as memorable and as special as possible, for his sake. I have to do this. Not for the material reasons as some people seem to think. It's not just a case of wanting to wear dresses and nice shoes and carry a handbag. I have to find my place in society, the same as every one else, and i know i will find my place among the girls.
Wish me luck. My new life is on the horizon. Take Care, Lara x
Thursday 4 March 2010
Monday 1 March 2010
The Start Of A New Life?
As i promised, i will keep my blog up to date with all the latest on my life through my transition from depressed and unpredictable male to hopefully a much happier female.
I went to my local GP today and filled him in on what had happened last wednesday at the Gender Clinic. I told him how i was astonished at the unprofessionalism and the lack of help they offered. Previous to my visit to the Gender Clinic i had told my GP that it was possible to buy hormones of the internet but i felt uneasy about this idea as not only do you not really know if you getting what you think you are, but also that without the proper professional monitoring, it can be unsafe. To my astonishment i actually heard a member of staff at the Gender Clinic advising a patient that buying of the internet was a possibility as they could not offer them there until after the 'life test'!
Last year i was prescribed anti depressants to see if they would help lift my moods and give me the motivation to go about my daily life... they didn't! This is because, my daily life always included having to look at my reflection in the mirror in order to get ready, hence making me depressed again about the fact that i was still in fact male. Its proven that prescribing female hormones to a gender dysphoric patient actually makes the patient more relaxed, less anxious, less restless and generally happier knowing that they are on the path to starting their new lives. Now isn't it the job of the doctors and the NHS to help patients? Apparently i had the wrong impressions as it appears this is not the case.
There is a happy end to my day however. Having agreed that the anti depressants were a failure and that the hormones would indeed help to give my life some normality and set me on the right tracks, my GP has agreed to start my hormone treatment. I will be calling the Gender Clinic tomorrow to get the names and SAFE dosages for my doctor as he agrees internet hormones can not only be damaging but life threatening!
At last I'm finally happy in the knowledge that no longer will my body be getting taller, broader, more hairy... i will now start puberty all over again (joy!) but this time my body will be changing into the form that it should have always been. I cant wait!
I will let you know as soon as i begin my life long tablet regime. Take care, Lara x
Thursday 25 February 2010
A Little About Me - Starting My Transition
I never wanted to keep a journal before. I guess i never really had anything exciting to write about. I have come to realise that my life is far more complex than your average 22 year old.
I've always known i was different, that something wasn't quite right, it wasn't until i was 16 that i found out...
I grew up like any other little girl, all my friends were girls, i played with dolls and prams and would walk around the house in my Nana's clothes and high heals (mum isn't much of a high heal sorta girl). The only difference was, i wasn't a little girl, i was a boy!
My family and i attributed this to the behaviour of a 'gay male' and i went through my teens much the same as my childhood, with all my friends being girls (although i grew too big for nans clothes and shoes :P)
When i was 16 i was watching Big Brother (like everybody else) although it had a bit more of an impact on my life than most. It was then that i first saw Nadia Almada, the transsexual who went on to win the show. This is when i realised that it was possible to be born in the wrong body, the wrong gender and that you could in fact change gender and still live a happy and somewhat normal life. After seeing the doctor i was then passed onto a psychologist.... and then a psychiatrist... and then finally i was told i had Gender Dysphoria, which means i was basically born in the wrong body, a girl on the inside but a boy on the outside if you like. I was also told that a staggering 70% of people with my condition suffer such servier depression that they end there own lives(not nice to here at just 16!). I may get (very) depressed at times and a lot of the time i can't even muster up the energy to get out of bed but i know i will never be a part of that 70%. I have an amazing family that i love and i would never dream of hurting them by ending my own life.
I am now 22 and have waited since then (oh yes it's a waiting game unfortunately) to be seen by the Gender Identity Clinic. I Had my first appointment there yesterday. Although my partner keeps telling me to be positive, i can't help but feel disappointed. I was (stupidly) hoping that after answering their questions and ruling out 'Fetishes', 'OCD' and 'Obsession' as the reasons behind my feeling, that they would send me on my way with the hormones i need to start my feminization process. I should be so lucky! I was told how they do things in stages, first the 'getting to know you' part then the 'life test' part before they will give you hormones.... here lies a problem. I don't look like a girl. Even if i shaved off the designer stubble i still have a masculine face! I have always aimed to look my best. I have a passion for fashion and i like to look good. Fair enough i despise my body and the fact that its male but I'm not naive enough to not realise that I'm good looking. People may think I'm vein, but I'm not. It's like looking at another person when i look in the mirror, and i think to myself, if this guy asked me out on a date, id say yes, but at the end of the day, that's not me that I'm looking at, its a borrowed form and i just try to make the best of it. When people tell me I'm good looking, it just goes over my head as i know that there not really looking at me, there looking at what's right infront of their eyes. My point is, i don't want to be one of those transsexuals who people laugh at in the street, who people look at and turn to their friends and say 'that's a man!' i want to walk down the street and have people see me the way i should have always been seen, as a woman! Without first taking the hormones and making myself more feminine, there no way i would consider putting on a dress and walking down the street (i get my head kicked in!)
I'm back at my GP on monday to TRY persuade him to prescribe me the hormones i need(although I'm not holding my breath) my only other option is to try and get the hormones over the internet and save up the thousands of pounds its going to cost me for my facial feminization surgery. I am going to be keeping this blog up to date as i go through my 'Transition' as it's called. I'm hoping that just maybe by sharing my experiences with the world that i can help people like me. That people will understand just how hard it is to look in the mirror every day and see some one else staring back. I think the hoops that transgendered people are made to jump through are rediculess and there is no where near enough help for us. 70% is an HUGE number of lives lost when so many could have been saved.
Stay tuned for more days in the life of an imprisoned girl x
I've always known i was different, that something wasn't quite right, it wasn't until i was 16 that i found out...
I grew up like any other little girl, all my friends were girls, i played with dolls and prams and would walk around the house in my Nana's clothes and high heals (mum isn't much of a high heal sorta girl). The only difference was, i wasn't a little girl, i was a boy!
My family and i attributed this to the behaviour of a 'gay male' and i went through my teens much the same as my childhood, with all my friends being girls (although i grew too big for nans clothes and shoes :P)
When i was 16 i was watching Big Brother (like everybody else) although it had a bit more of an impact on my life than most. It was then that i first saw Nadia Almada, the transsexual who went on to win the show. This is when i realised that it was possible to be born in the wrong body, the wrong gender and that you could in fact change gender and still live a happy and somewhat normal life. After seeing the doctor i was then passed onto a psychologist.... and then a psychiatrist... and then finally i was told i had Gender Dysphoria, which means i was basically born in the wrong body, a girl on the inside but a boy on the outside if you like. I was also told that a staggering 70% of people with my condition suffer such servier depression that they end there own lives(not nice to here at just 16!). I may get (very) depressed at times and a lot of the time i can't even muster up the energy to get out of bed but i know i will never be a part of that 70%. I have an amazing family that i love and i would never dream of hurting them by ending my own life.
I am now 22 and have waited since then (oh yes it's a waiting game unfortunately) to be seen by the Gender Identity Clinic. I Had my first appointment there yesterday. Although my partner keeps telling me to be positive, i can't help but feel disappointed. I was (stupidly) hoping that after answering their questions and ruling out 'Fetishes', 'OCD' and 'Obsession' as the reasons behind my feeling, that they would send me on my way with the hormones i need to start my feminization process. I should be so lucky! I was told how they do things in stages, first the 'getting to know you' part then the 'life test' part before they will give you hormones.... here lies a problem. I don't look like a girl. Even if i shaved off the designer stubble i still have a masculine face! I have always aimed to look my best. I have a passion for fashion and i like to look good. Fair enough i despise my body and the fact that its male but I'm not naive enough to not realise that I'm good looking. People may think I'm vein, but I'm not. It's like looking at another person when i look in the mirror, and i think to myself, if this guy asked me out on a date, id say yes, but at the end of the day, that's not me that I'm looking at, its a borrowed form and i just try to make the best of it. When people tell me I'm good looking, it just goes over my head as i know that there not really looking at me, there looking at what's right infront of their eyes. My point is, i don't want to be one of those transsexuals who people laugh at in the street, who people look at and turn to their friends and say 'that's a man!' i want to walk down the street and have people see me the way i should have always been seen, as a woman! Without first taking the hormones and making myself more feminine, there no way i would consider putting on a dress and walking down the street (i get my head kicked in!)
I'm back at my GP on monday to TRY persuade him to prescribe me the hormones i need(although I'm not holding my breath) my only other option is to try and get the hormones over the internet and save up the thousands of pounds its going to cost me for my facial feminization surgery. I am going to be keeping this blog up to date as i go through my 'Transition' as it's called. I'm hoping that just maybe by sharing my experiences with the world that i can help people like me. That people will understand just how hard it is to look in the mirror every day and see some one else staring back. I think the hoops that transgendered people are made to jump through are rediculess and there is no where near enough help for us. 70% is an HUGE number of lives lost when so many could have been saved.
Stay tuned for more days in the life of an imprisoned girl x
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