A Little About Me - Starting My Transition

I never wanted to keep a journal before. I guess i never really had anything exciting to write about. I have come to realise that my life is far more complex than your average 22 year old.

I've always known i was different, that something wasn't quite right, it wasn't until i was 16 that i found out...

I grew up like any other little girl, all my friends were girls, i played with dolls and prams and would walk around the house in my Nana's clothes and high heals (mum isn't much of a high heal sorta girl). The only difference was, i wasn't a little girl, i was a boy!

My family and i attributed this to the behaviour of a 'gay male' and i went through my teens much the same as my childhood, with all my friends being girls (although i grew too big for nans clothes and shoes :P)

When i was 16 i was watching Big Brother (like everybody else) although it had a bit more of an impact on my life than most. It was then that i first saw Nadia Almada, the transsexual who went on to win the show. This is when i realised that it was possible to be born in the wrong body, the wrong gender and that you could in fact change gender and still live a happy and somewhat normal life. After seeing the doctor i was then passed onto a psychologist.... and then a psychiatrist... and then finally i was told i had Gender Dysphoria, which means i was basically born in the wrong body, a girl on the inside but a boy on the outside if you like. I was also told that a staggering 70% of people with my condition suffer such servier depression that they end there own lives(not nice to here at just 16!). I may get (very) depressed at times and a lot of the time i can't even muster up the energy to get out of bed but i know i will never be a part of that 70%. I have an amazing family that i love and i would never dream of hurting them by ending my own life.

I am now 22 and have waited since then (oh yes it's a waiting game unfortunately) to be seen by the Gender Identity Clinic. I Had my first appointment there yesterday. Although my partner keeps telling me to be positive, i can't help but feel disappointed. I was (stupidly) hoping that after answering their questions and ruling out 'Fetishes', 'OCD' and 'Obsession' as the reasons behind my feeling, that they would send me on my way with the hormones i need to start my feminization process. I should be so lucky! I was told how they do things in stages, first the 'getting to know you' part then the 'life test' part before they will give you hormones.... here lies a problem. I don't look like a girl. Even if i shaved off the designer stubble i still have a masculine face! I have always aimed to look my best. I have a passion for fashion and i like to look good. Fair enough i despise my body and the fact that its male but I'm not naive enough to not realise that I'm good looking. People may think I'm vein, but I'm not. It's like looking at another person when i look in the mirror, and i think to myself, if this guy asked me out on a date, id say yes, but at the end of the day, that's not me that I'm looking at, its a borrowed form and i just try to make the best of it. When people tell me I'm good looking, it just goes over my head as i know that there not really looking at me, there looking at what's right infront of their eyes. My point is, i don't want to be one of those transsexuals who people laugh at in the street, who people look at and turn to their friends and say 'that's a man!' i want to walk down the street and have people see me the way i should have always been seen, as a woman! Without first taking the hormones and making myself more feminine, there no way i would consider putting on a dress and walking down the street (i get my head kicked in!)

I'm back at my GP on monday to TRY persuade him to prescribe me the hormones i need(although I'm not holding my breath) my only other option is to try and get the hormones over the internet and save up the thousands of pounds its going to cost me for my facial feminization surgery. I am going to be keeping this blog up to date as i go through my 'Transition' as it's called. I'm hoping that just maybe by sharing my experiences with the world that i can help people like me. That people will understand just how hard it is to look in the mirror every day and see some one else staring back. I think the hoops that transgendered people are made to jump through are rediculess and there is no where near enough help for us. 70% is an HUGE number of lives lost when so many could have been saved.

Stay tuned for more days in the life of an imprisoned girl x