It Begins...

They say every one gets nervous before big changes in their lives.
Such as 'cold feet' before getting married.

I got my hormones yesterday, although my GP wouldn't give me one of the anti androgens i need as the side effects 'worried' him. This particular drug is the most commonly used anti androgen for people like me and helps to speed up the feminization process, so i guess I'll just have to use my powers of persuasion next time i see him :)

Although I'm excited to start seeing changes, a part of me can't help but feel worried, maybe even scared. I guess it's only to be expected but i couldn't help but feel dismally low as i thought of all the things i might be losing.
I know my family and friends understand (it was hardly shock to them) but as i lay in bed after starting my life changing drugs, i couldn't help but feel suddenly scared.

All my life Ive gone from one relationship to another. When you meet someone new, it's exciting and fresh and the new object of your affection becomes almost all you think about. I used this feeling as a distraction. Short, passionate and sometimes volatile relationships in order to stop my brain for thinking about the fact i was trapped in the wrong body and treated in the wrong way by society. The only problem was this never lasted long... When i met my current partner (now 2 years together) i tried to push him away. He was sweet, caring and loving. Eventually, even though i didn't really see anything much coming of the relationship i figured id give it a go. He turned out to be one of the most amazing, selfless people i could ever meet.
I haven't been the best boyfriend to him, far from it, but it was only last night that i truly realised how special he is to me.

They say you don't realise what you have until its gone. I believe this is true. Obviously he knows about my condition and what I'm going to be facing in the near future. He is obviously a gay man, and although he loves me for the person i am and not the way i look, even though he would give me the world if he could, physical attraction is still important in a relationship. With him not being attracted to women, all i could think about was how I'm going to lose him.

I know he will always be in my life, and that in time we will be the best of friends. I'd die for this boy in a heartbeat. Things, however, will undoubtedly change.

I'm also afraid that my expectations are too high and may not be met... Ive always been jealous of those special moment girls have. Like going to prom and being told how beautiful you look. I may never get those moments. I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing and i couldn't possibly stay unhappy for the res of my life, no matter how much i want to make my boyfriend happy.

So i will continue on my journey, trying to make the time i have left with my partner as memorable and as special as possible, for his sake. I have to do this. Not for the material reasons as some people seem to think. It's not just a case of wanting to wear dresses and nice shoes and carry a handbag. I have to find my place in society, the same as every one else, and i know i will find my place among the girls.

Wish me luck. My new life is on the horizon. Take Care, Lara x

The Start Of A New Life?

As i promised, i will keep my blog up to date with all the latest on my life through my transition from depressed and unpredictable male to hopefully a much happier female.

I went to my local GP today and filled him in on what had happened last wednesday at the Gender Clinic. I told him how i was astonished at the unprofessionalism and the lack of help they offered. Previous to my visit to the Gender Clinic i had told my GP that it was possible to buy hormones of the internet but i felt uneasy about this idea as not only do you not really know if you getting what you think you are, but also that without the proper professional monitoring, it can be unsafe. To my astonishment i actually heard a member of staff at the Gender Clinic advising a patient that buying of the internet was a possibility as they could not offer them there until after the 'life test'!

Last year i was prescribed anti depressants to see if they would help lift my moods and give me the motivation to go about my daily life... they didn't! This is because, my daily life always included having to look at my reflection in the mirror in order to get ready, hence making me depressed again about the fact that i was still in fact male. Its proven that prescribing female hormones to a gender dysphoric patient actually makes the patient more relaxed, less anxious, less restless and generally happier knowing that they are on the path to starting their new lives. Now isn't it the job of the doctors and the NHS to help patients? Apparently i had the wrong impressions as it appears this is not the case.

There is a happy end to my day however. Having agreed that the anti depressants were a failure and that the hormones would indeed help to give my life some normality and set me on the right tracks, my GP has agreed to start my hormone treatment. I will be calling the Gender Clinic tomorrow to get the names and SAFE dosages for my doctor as he agrees internet hormones can not only be damaging but life threatening!

At last I'm finally happy in the knowledge that no longer will my body be getting taller, broader, more hairy... i will now start puberty all over again (joy!) but this time my body will be changing into the form that it should have always been. I cant wait!

I will let you know as soon as i begin my life long tablet regime. Take care, Lara x